


The Only Remaining Dream

by EruGhostCat, TheElusiveDabbler (I_Write_Tragedies_Not_Sins)



Series: Internal Nightmare [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, F/F, Female Friendship, Forced miscarriage, Other, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-06-08 16:51:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6864637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EruGhostCat/pseuds/EruGhostCat, https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Write_Tragedies_Not_Sins/pseuds/TheElusiveDabbler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathryn Jane Shepard. The Butcher of Torfan. Ashley Madeline Williams. Soldier, and gunnery chief. Two women from vastly different backgrounds form a tight bond in the grips of war. But will their friendship survive the cruel intervention of The Illusive Man?</p><p>Done for the Mass Effect Big Bang Challenge</p><p>Art done by  EruGhostCat, story by TheElusiveDabbler</p><p>Graphic depictions of violence, major character death, suicide, forced miscarriage trigger warnings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story has changed itself on me quite a bit. What started out as an idea to write a Morinth romance story, quickly changed into an Ashley Williams / F!Shepard friendship story. I didn't even like Ash's character before this, but I like her now.
> 
> All art is by the ever wonderful Erghostcat on deviantart, from the Mass Effect Big Bang challenge.
> 
> Thanks to MizDirected, Morninglight, and Azzydarling for reading over the rough draft and giving me feedback!

 

 

The day Kathryn Shepard dies doesn't feel like a tragedy to her. She's gotten most of her people to safety, everyone except Joker. She tries, forcing him along until his arm snaps. Then she picks him up, carrying him fireman style on her back until they reach the last pod. She has two options. Save herself or save Joker. She knows she doesn't have time for both. Her mind turns to Ashley Williams, her best friend, her comrade in arms. The one woman who stood beside her, even through all her bad decisions.

 

She saves her friend, of course. Her last heroic act in a lifetime of sacrifices and death. The Butcher of Torfan they call her. It's true. She has always been willing to sacrifice the lives of others if it gets the mission done. She reconciles it means more lives are saved in the long run, but she knows it isn't always true. It's nothing more than a hollow sentiment, letting her sleep at night. The only life she's ever been unable to sacrifice has been Ash's. Even when the wiser option would have been to cover the bomb, save Kaidan- the higher officer- she couldn't. Ash's voice in her ear, telling her she understood and had no regrets...

 

Virmire had been the one time she had risked a mission to save a friend.  

 

As she falls down to the planet below, she gasps and struggles for breath. She claws at the blackness of space with her hands, her lungs feeling as if they’re on fire as they try to intake air. It's useless, she knows it. She's even grateful for it, but can't stop the automatic response of trying to get a breath even as she dies. It's over, finally over. The deaths of Kaidan, Liara, and Wrex will no longer haunt her dreams. The cold looks of her remaining squad mates can no longer penetrate her soul with their anger and hurt.

 

Liara's sad blue eyes flash before her mind as she begged Shepard not to leave her for the thorian's host, tears pouring down her light blue skin. _"Please, Shepard, you don't have to do this, destroy the thorian!"_ But in the end, the Thorian's information was too valuable to kill off. Giving the creature a new host had been the best option.

 

Pain assaults her body, lungs feeling as if they’re on fire. She cries in pain as she remembers Wrex staring up at her from a puddle of his murky orange blood. _"Shepard, why?"_ he had asked, more of his blood dribbling from his lips. Ash had placed a hand on Kathryn's shoulder, the only one who understood.

 

No, now she can finally end the pain that has been her entire life. As she continues to plummet down through the endless darkness of space, pain ripping her body apart, her final thoughts are of her days on earth.

 

_The streets are cold. Angry wind whips her hair around her head, quickly becoming a tangled mess. Doesn't matter, though. Her skin is bruised and dirty, anyway. Kathryn rubs her hands together, blowing a breath of air on them in a vain attempt to warm them up._

 

_A voice calls out to her, low and dark. "Hey, pretty thing. How much for an hour?"_

 

_She turns, a smirk twisting her lips upward. "Fifty bucks," she replies, keeping her tone sultry._

 

_The man laughs, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "You sure you're worth that much, babe?" he quips back, eyeing her up and down. She shivers, but keeps the smile firmly in place._

 

_"The only way to find out is to try," she says, running her hands down her curves._

 

~*~*~

 

"Shepard. Shepard, wake up!" A cold voice shatters the darkness of unconsciousness. For a minute, she thinks it's Ash calling for her, waking her up and ready to chide her for sleeping late on the job. But it isn't, the voice is too cold, and carries a strange accent.

 

She blinks, body sore, as panic fills her mind. Where is she? What the hell is going on? She looks around at the cold white room and struggles to figure out where she is.

 

"Shepard? Quickly, I need you to grab your gun," the voice continues.

 

Kathryn looks around, head throbbing as she tries to get her bearings. "I'm supposed to be dead," she says bluntly, her memory coming back in a flash.

 

"There's no time for that, Shepard. I need you to move!"

 

So she moves. She fights through the mechs trying to kill her, not because she wants to live but because she's told to. She follows orders, falling into an old routine as if she had never died. The only thing she notices, as she fights through the mechanical beings, is her biotics have improved. She can finally do more than just shield. Ash would be impressed.

 

She can still remember the way her body had felt as her skin ripped off and her lungs screamed for air. It had been painful, but it had been the end she had wanted. And now Cerberus has brought her back. She doesn't ask Jacob questions, though she can see it in his eyes he' s expecting her to. The sidelong looks as she moves on autopilot. She knows what he's thinking. She can feel it. It's written plain as day on his face. The only question she can manage is, "How’s Williams?"

 

She doesn't care about anything else. Bitter anger that her death is stolen from her, ripped away like a dream she can never have, boils through her. A bullet grazes her arm, and she relishes in the pain. A slow grin spreads across her face as she growls, using her newly improved biotic powers to slam a mech into the ground until it's nothing more than scattered parts. She only wishes it could bleed.

 

"Shepard?" Jacob asks, brow furrowed. "You okay?"

 

She raises an eyebrow at him. "As good as anyone brought back from the dead," is her dry reply. She wants to laugh at the look on his face, a mixture of surprise and concern. "Come on, Cerberus. Let's go," she says with a shake of her head, lips twitching. "Unless the plan’s for me to die again?"

 

She can only wish.

 

~*~*~

 

She listens as The Illusive Man tells her about the Collectors and the vanishing human colonies. This is why they brought her back? Her anger causes her to clench her fists. "Son of a bitch," she says, voice a low growl.

 

Her tone stops the Illusive Man mid-sentence as he looks at her, his cigar spewing smoke all around him. "I thought you would be grateful to be alive, Shepard," he says.

 

She snorts, turning on her heel. "I'm not," she replies. "But here I am so I might as well get to work."

 

~*~*~

 

The dossiers give her names of the people The Illusive Man wants her to work with. The first one she hunts down is a Salarian. He wants to cure some fucking plague, a waste of precious time. Shepard slams her fist on the table, teeth clenched in a snarl. "We don't have time for this bullshit, Doc. Let's go."

 

The Salarian blinks at her, alien eyes filled with some emotion she can't recognize. "Can't go. Only one who can help. Must save them first. Then go," he says, words tumbling quickly one after another.

 

She grabs his arm, a slow smile spreading across her face. "You'll come, now, or I will drag you back in pieces," she growls. Her heart is thundering in her breast and it's hard to think past the crushing weight of her morbid thoughts. She doesn't want to be here. She doesn't want to be the goddamn hero again. She's just going to fuck it up and get more people killed. Why the fuck did they bring her back? She's useless. She knows it. She's nothing more than a whore. She should have died back on earth.

 

He mutters something about refusing to work if she takes him by force. Shepard glances back at Miranda. "Cerberus has control chips, right? You were going to use one on me, why not the Doc here?"

 

Miranda shrugs. "If you think it's necessary, Shepard," she replies, tone bored.

 

"Would not dare," the Salarian whispers.

 

Shepard bares her teeth. "Try me, Doc."

 

~*~*~

 

The Salarian stays in his lab, refusing to talk unless it's to relay information. Refuses to fight, to join her on missions, but she doesn't give a shit. She just needs him to do his fucking job. She doesn't need to make friends. They only cause you pain, in the end.

 

She prowls her cabin, hands shaking. She takes a long swig of whiskey before throwing it at the wall. The glass shatters, falling to the ground in a mixture of rank liquor and broken dreams. She glances to her left where a picture sits on her desk. She falls to her knees, hitting the ground with a thud as a cry escapes her lips.

 

She reaches for the tattered photograph of her and Ash, arms around each other's shoulders. They had gone out drinking, celebrating Saren's defeat, when this was taken. Her finger traces the lines of Ashley's smile before she slams it on the ground, glass cracking. She grabs a piece of it and clutches it in her fist, the sharp edges digging into her palm. The biting pain chases back the overwhelming ache in her chest. "I'm sorry," she whispers to the picture. "I'm sorry." Blood drips down and stains their once happy faces. A fitting reflection.

 

~*~*~

 

Anderson sends her information, about an asari who might be able to help. A Justicar. She doesn't bother to fight the woman when she finds out she won't come unless she has their help. Something about Samara's eyes says she won't be bullied with a control chip. Besides, Shepard feels as if killing a bunch of mercs might be fun, anyway. She tries not to laugh at the biotic god, the ridiculous volus who wants to help. She pats him on the head and lets him join, amused at how long he manages to last before dying.

 

Miranda looks at her differently than when they first met. She can tell the woman no longer has the same respect she might have once had. She doesn't care. Miranda is just another tool to get the job done. She doesn't want to care. She doesn't want to feel the slight crack of pain in her heart as Miranda shakes her head in disgust. "That wasn't necessary, Shepard," is all she says, and a tiny pang of regret worms its way into her heart.

 

"Neither is your lip," Shepard replies. "So shut the fuck up and do your job."

 

~*~*~

 

The moment she sees Morinth, her breath is taken away by her beauty. Samara's daughter looks exactly like her, but her attitude is flippant and sultry. She has none of the rigidness or wisdom of Samara, but the light in her eyes is intoxicating. She knows she has more important things to be doing. Squad members to be recruiting. Lives need saving. Instead, she's here, at the bar on Illium, drinking with Morinth. Miranda and Jacob are in the wings, waiting for her signal that she needs backup. The very idea of what Morinth can do entices her, calls her near, and creates a throbbing ache in her soul. To die. To truly die, in the midst of blissful and meaningless sex. She craves it, needs it, and is denied it.

 

The way the asari's fingers caress her cheek, the sweet smell of her perfume, it fills her mind and senses until she can't breath. She needs more. That's why when Morinth tells her she can help, she kills Samara without hesitation. When Morinth kisses her, it tastes of sex... and death. She feels her head spin as she brings the asari back to the _Normandy_. Miranda looks at her with suspicion, but doesn't say a word. They leave Samara's body, disguised in Morinth's clothes, alone and forgotten. Unmourned. Just as she would have left her daughter.

 

Just as Shepard hopes to one day be.

 

As The Normandy sails through space, she sits with Morinth, asking questions and enjoying the sweet intoxication of her scent. "What about you, Shepard? What was your life like before you became this big hero?"

 

_He fills her mouth with his dick, fingers gripping the back of her head as he thrusts into over and over, grunting like some kind of wild animal. "Yeah, that's right, whore, take it all," he shouts as he shoots his load into the back of her throat. "Drink it like a good little slut."_

 

_She swallows everything, the taste foul and bitter on her tongue. She smiles up at him, batting her lashes and jutting her chest forward, arms squeezed together to give him a clear view of her cleavage. She tries not to glance at the clock, which she knows shows more than half an hour has passed. She wonders, briefly, if she should try to charge him more but the look in his eyes warns her it isn't wise._

 

_He smirks down at her as she kneels before him. "What a good little dog, down on her knees," he says with a snicker. "Too bad you aren't worth fifty dollars."_

 

_Her eyes widen as she takes in his words. "You- you-" she stutters. "You can't leave without paying," she says, voice low._

 

_The nameless man rolls his eyes at her as he buckles his pants. "Whatever," he mutters as he walks away. His hand is on the door when Kathryn grabs his elbow, a plea hovering on her lips. He tosses her backward before she can speak and she lands with a thud on the carpeted ground. "Don't make me hit you," he warns, causing her to flinch and cover her stomach. She doesn't get back up as he leaves, but cold tears pool in her eyes._

 

She shakes her head, her dull brown hair flinging in her eyes. "It doesn't matter. She died years ago, back on earth. Tell me about you, instead. About what it feels like when you take someone's life through sex. I want to know how that feels," she whispers, a tinge of desperation in her voice.

 

Morinth raises a brow, lips quirking in a smile. "Anything you want, Shepard," she purrs.

 

~*~*~

 

Subject Zero isn't what she had expected. She paces the boiler room in a tight line, her anger sending an electric charge along Shepard's skin."Good. You're angry. Use that," Shepard says, lips twitching into a mad grin.

 

"You're fucking crazy," Jack mutters. "I like that."

 

Shepard laughs, the sound bouncing off the walls. "Yeah? You might not be so bad, yourself," she replies. She's nothing like Ash. No weird ass poetry or loyalty here. But her anger is a burning fire Shepard feels crawling into her heart.

 

She decides maybe she could use a friend, after all. Someone just as angry and bitter as she is. "You're not the only one with pain," she says, memories assaulting her.

 

_Bram's fist is hard as he slams it into her cheek. She can feel the bone crunching underneath and cries out in pain, narrowing her eyes. "How the fuck did you manage to get robbed, bitch? Yer only good to us if you make money," Bram screams at her, spittle flying everywhere. He hits her again, this time knocking her to the ground. Blood pools in her mouth, bitter and metallic. "Fuckin' no good lazy bitch," he growls, aiming a kick toward her midsection._

 

_She recoils in fear, arms clutching her stomach to protect the child inside. The child she's too scared to tell him about. "Please, I'm sorry! I'll do better, I promise," she whimpers, flinching as his steel-toed boot makes contact with her arm, bone cracking once again. "Please," she whispers, knowing no amount of begging can really stop his rage. But she has to try, anyway. She has to. She doesn't dare call up her shields, the only biotic power she has, because it will only incite his anger further._

 

_"What's that? Please hit you again?" he asks, tone clearly mocking as he kicks her over and over again, eventually making contact with her stomach. Pain shoots itself through her entire body as Bram, the leader of the Reds, continues to beat her. Darkness covers her vision as her body grows limp. She grows numb to the pain as she slowly loses consciousness. She only has one thought running through her mind... she doesn't want to lose her baby..._

 

Jack looks at her, one eyebrow raised. "Yeah? Well, let's get fucking drunk to that then," she says with smirk.

 

Shepard matches her expression. "I'll take you up on that, I think. I haven't had a good drink since before I died," she replies, a bitter chuckle following her words.

 

~*~*~

 

She goes through each mission on autopilot, sending whatever information Cerberus wants back to them like a good little dog. She doesn't care who has it. The Alliance, Cerberus, it's all the same to her. The only thing that matters is getting the job done. She spends most of her time with Morinth, dancing on the edge of danger. When Morinth is hurt in battle, she feels her heart stop. She rushes to her side, slamming the human who had dared harm her into the ground. Over and over until there's nothing but broken bones and blood covering the ground and Jacob is yelling at her it's enough, the man is dead, to stop. She falls to her knees, anger making her snarl. She looks at Morinth, blood leaking from a wound in her side.

 

"Did you think I was dead, Shepard?" Morinth whispers, her voice mimicking her mother's. "Your concern... is touching."

 

She doesn't reply it isn't Morinth's death that scares her- it's the thought her own might be denied to her, again.

 

~*~*~

 

Garrus is not happy to see her, despite the fact she’s saving his ass. "Shepard," he says, voice full of shock. She wishes Ash is there. She'd say something snarky about turians, and Shepard would laugh at the angry way Garrus' mandibles would flap.

 

She frowns, shouldering her weapon. "Don't tell me you still hold a grudge from before, Vakarian?" she shoots back, tone dry. She knows he's never forgiven her for not saving the council.

 

His mandibles flap in surprise as he takes in her new Cerberus uniform."Not at all," he grits out. "You here to fight or to talk?"

 

She grins at him, throwing a medpac his way. "I'm always here to fight."

 

~*~*~

 

Jack tells her another story, this time about a robbery gone wrong. Shepard only half listens as she pours the whiskey down her throat. It burns and she grins. Fuck this war, she thinks as Jack continues on. Fuck everything. She just wants to get drunk and kill as many of the enemy as possible before she succumbs once again to death.

 

But of course she can't. "Shepard, you even fucking listening?" Jack says, leaning against the wall with a bottle in hand.

 

"No," she replies, laughing. "I'm too busy fucking drinking."

 

Jack snorts."Figures. So why don't you share a story, huh? Tell me a bit about the grand fucking hero that is Commander Shepard."

 

_Blood covers the ground. She screams in pain and anger, pounding her fists into the floor. Gone. The tiny life she hadn't expected but wanted so desperately ... gone. A wordless scream rips itself from her lips, echoing in the empty room. Her heart skips a beat as she clutches her stomach, a red haze of anger covering her vision._

 

_"What the fuck is all this noise?" Bram asks as he enters the room. "You lookin' for another beating, bitch?"_

 

_She looks up, eyes narrowed, fists clenched so hard her knuckles are white. She growls, a deep sound she's surprised comes from her. She slowly gets up, body still sore. "You ... You son of a bitch," she says, voice breaking as tears streak down her cheeks._

 

_Bram's eyes grow wide, practically bulging from his eye sockets. "What the fuck did you say to me?" he asks, starting toward her._

 

_She grins, but ducks her head, hiding the smile with her long, chestnut brown hair. Yes, let him come. Just a little closer. His fist is raised, ready to strike, to hurt, but she ducks under it and around, ending up behind him. Fists clutched together, she swings at his shoulder, knocking him to his knees. "What the fuck do you think yer doing?" he growls, trying to get up. She rotates her hip, bringing her leg up to connect solidly with his head. "Stay down," she says, laughing at the end. "This time it's you who'll stay down, you rotten piece of shit."_

 

_His palms smack into the ground, but he's quick to roll out of the way of her next blow. His elbow connects with her stomach, and she cries out, pain making stars burst across her vision. She falls to the ground, and scuttles backward, hands searching for a weapon. Her fingers brush against cold metal, thin and rounded. She grins up at Bram as he approaches, his face a dark mask of rage. She waits until he's closer and swings the pipe, cracking his kneecap as he falls again._

 

_"You ready to feel what it's like to hurt?" she says, getting to her knees. She brings the pipe down against his skull, repeating the same motion over and over as he begs for his life. Soon, blood and brain matter coat the ground. The pipe falls from her hands. A broken sob escapes her lips as she curls up on the ground, body shaking. Her eyelids flutter shut as sleep overcomes her, exhaustion too powerful for her to fight._

 

Shepard shakes her head and throws her own bottle at the wall. It smashes, smearing the grey metal with whiskey. "No," she says, standing to her feet, eyes wild. "Fuck, no."

 

~*~*~

 

Horizon feels like hell. She fights through every Collector she finds, slaughtering them with her biotics as she struggles not see Zaeed's face in her mind. She was supposed to recruit him.

 

Instead, she had gotten him killed. She screams, the sound piercing the air, as she charges through frozen humans, slamming into an alien body and knocking it to the ground. She pounds her fists into its face as its blood splatters everywhere. "Fucking die! Just fucking die, all of you fucking die!" She screams the words as she continues beating the Collector corpse. Morinth's hand on her shoulder is the only thing that stops her.

 

"Shepard, hey, come on. We have to keep going," she whispers too soft for the others to hear, using her real voice to bring her back.

 

Shepard nods her head. "Yeah. Yeah, alright, let's go."

 

~*~*~

 

She listens to Ashley's accusations and doesn't argue. She doesn't say she's doing what has to be done, because even she isn't sure of she's telling the truth anymore. She doesn't utter a word in her own defense, though Jack mutters a few curses in her place. She just stares at the one face she has longed to see since she woke up, the scowling face of her best friend.

 

_A hand shakes her shoulder and she opens her eyes. "Jesus fuckin' christ, Shep. You really did ol' Bram a good one, right?"_

 

_Kathryn blinks up at Regan, one of her fellow prostitutes and her only friend. Or as much of a friend as anyone from this blasted gang can be. Regan had been the only one Kathryn had told about the baby. Regan's brow is furrowed as she takes in the carnage. She clicks her tongue, shaking her head. "The rest of 'em are gonna kill you for this," she warns, before sighing. "Come on."_

 

She refuses to cry as Ash continues to hurl accusations at her. Her words hurt more than Shepard expected. Cut deeper than she thought possible. She opens her mouth, a plea hovering on the tip of tongue. "Come with me," she blurts out, surprising them both. She only wants to finish this war, this terribly long battle, with Ash by her side. She doesn't want to do it all alone.

 

_Kathryn shakes her head, scuttling backwards. Her hand slips in the blood, her elbow slamming hard against the concrete. Regan rolls her bright green eyes, her red hair curled and styled. "Don't be stupid, Shep. I ain't takin' ya to them. We're friends, right? Come on, I'll get ya out of here," she says, taking a drag from her menthol cigarette._

 

_"You- you want to help me?" Kathryn slowly gets to her feet, suspicion thick in her voice. "Why?"_

 

Ashley shakes her head. "You're kidding, right? I'd never work for Cerberus. I'm not a traitor." Her words are a cold slap to the face, stinging and making her flinch. Shepard reaches out a hand, but lets it fall back down to her side as Ashley walks away. Their friendship is just one more sacrifice for the greater plan. But it's the sacrifice that hurts the most.

 

_Regan places a hand on her hip. "Yer jokin', right? I already told ya, we're friends, Shep. I can't let them kill ya, not after you saved my ass against that little shit fer brains who stabbed me. You comin, or do I have to drag yer ass out of here?"_

 

_A hesitant smile quirks Kathryn's lips upward. "Yeah, yeah, I'm comin'."_

 

~*~*~

 

Morinth watches her pacing. "Are you sure it was smart to throw the krogan out the airlock? We could have used him," she asks, a beautiful lilt to her voice.

 

Shepard shakes her head. "No. He isn't a krogan, just some damn experiment. Too unstable."

 

Morinth chuckles. "Unstable? You'd think you'd be used to that by now. Shepard, I-"

 

Shepard cuts her off with a kiss, gripping her tightly. She kisses her like she needs to, like her entire body craves it more than air. "Fuck me, Morinth," she whispers against her mouth. "Please."

 

The asari smiles. "Soon, love, soon. Today you need to fight, just a little longer."

 

Shepard drops her head, hair falling forward to hide the crumpled expression on her face. It's never her choice.

 

~*~*~

 

Bullets fly through the air as they race against the clock, trying to reach Tali before it's too late. She can hear Kal'Reegar's voice, begging her to let him come. But she wants him alive, wants to prove she can save someone, so she makes him stay behind. Her throat is hoarse from screaming, her suit full of damage from the abnormal sun.  

 

_A loud blast of noise makes her flinch; bullets dancing in the air. She uses her meager biotics to shield herself as she runs through the dark and dirty streets. She hears Regan cry out and risks a glance over her shoulder. Regan’s on the ground, a freshly manicured hand reaching out for her. "Shep, help," she begs._

 

Tali’s suit is ripped open. Her helmet shattered. She smiles, blood dripping from her lips. “Shepard. You came,” she whispers.

 

“But I’m too late,” Shepard replies.

 

_Kathryn keeps running._

 

_She can't afford to stop, they'll be on her in seconds. Her legs keep pumping faster than they ever have as Regan screams her name. She flinches at the familiar sound of desperation from her friend, but doesn't slow. She focuses all her energy on keeping her meager biotics from faltering. She has to escape. She doesn't look behind her when she hears Regan scream again, but she can hear the pain laced in her voice. I'm sorry, Reg..._

 

Tali coughs, blood and saliva spewing outward. “No, don’t think that way, my friend. You did everything you could.”  Her forgiveness tears into Shepard like a dagger, hurting worse than all the deaths that came before. Hurting worse than Ashley’s anger or Garrus’ grudge. “Tali…” she whispers, tears falling for the first time in years. “I’m sorry.”

 

~*~*~      

 

She pounds her fist into the wall, anger and grief pulsating through her entire body. “I fucked up,” she howls, and punches the wall again, only satisfied when she hears her knuckles crack. “Fuck this, fuck everything. Why the hell did they bring me back? I’m not a fucking hero. I just get people killed.”

 

Morinth watches her from her spot on the couch. “That anger would be better spent against the enemy, Shepard.”

 

“I don’t fucking care anymore,” she says with a growl, sinking to her knees. "I’m tired,” she admits, exhaustion filling her voice. “Why couldn’t they have let me stay dead?”

 

“It will all be over soon enough, love,” Morinth whispers as she gets to her feet. Her hands are firm as she massages Shepard’s shoulders. “You can hold on that much longer, right?”

 

Shepard nods, ignoring the cold tears staining her cheeks. ”Do I even have a choice?”

 

~*~*~

 

_Her hair is matted and dirty, her clothes torn and bloodstained. She watches a man walk by, his wallet peeking out of his pocket. Carefully, she slides up next to him, fingers grasping the edges of the leather and tugging gently. After she's walked a good distance away, she counts the money. Her smile widens at the amount._

 

_The first place she goes is a clothing store, buying fresh, clean clothes that fit her body perfectly. A crisp white, button down top and black slacks. Nicer than anything she's used to. The saleslady looks at her with disgust in her eyes, lip curled, but Kathryn just smiles, gaped-tooth and filthy. She looks at her dirty skin as she leaves, the mud and blood mingling together. She needs a bath, she knows it, so she grabs a nice hotel room._

 

_The room is bright and cheery, sunlight pouring in through a large window. With a frown she closes the blinds, not wanting to see the rest of the world. She orders some food before taking off her stained mini-dress. The water is hot as it pounds against her, burning on her scrapes and bruises. Blackish water pools at her feet and runs down the drain, and she pretends it's washing her away with it. All of her sins and regrets, running down in a swirling motion. She wonders, briefly, if Regan survived. She knows it's unlikely. Another dead hooker, lost and forgotten in a gutter._

 

_She can't help but be grateful it's not her, even as her heart clenches in pain at losing her only friend. If she had stopped, they'd both be dead. She runs a comb through her hair and winces as it yanks through the knots. As she steps out of the shower, the cold air hits her, making her shiver. She uses the touch screen interface on the wall to call down to the front desk, frowning as she struggles with the technology._

 

_A cold, mechanical voice answers. "Starwood Hotel. How may I help you today?"_

 

_Shepard rubs the back of her neck awkwardly. "Uh, yeah. Can you send some scissors or somethin' up here?"_

 

_There's a slight pause before the woman answers. "Yes, of course."_

 

_A knock on the door causes Kathryn to jump, fear making her heart race. "What's this?" She glances out the peephole, breathing a sigh of relief as she recognizes the pizza delivery man's uniform._

 

_"'Bout time, I'm fuckin' starving," she says as she opens the door._

 

Shepard takes a bite of food, and it tastes bland in her mouth. She feels a twinge of regret at ordering EDI to destroy the geth. But Tali’s death is too strong in her mind and she knows her quarian friend would never have approved of bringing a geth aboard.

 

Thane sits across from her, unblinking, solid. He’s accepted his death. But he doesn’t yearn for it, doesn’t pray for it to come sooner. Not like her. He’s the only one who bothers to talk to her these days, aside from Morinth. Even Jack told her to fuck off, to not bother her anymore after Pragia. Of course. It's her fault, after all, that they had went there at all, that Jack had been forced to relive those moments. She should have said no.

 

“Shepard?” Thane questions, voice soft and relaxing.

 

She scowls at him, not wanting to be comforted. “Fuck off,” she mutters, getting to her feet.

 

~*~*~

 

Everyone...is gone? Captured? Panic causes her heart to race, sweat rolling down her back. Chakwas… Kelly… Her scream echos and bounces back in  the nearly empty ship as she grips her hair in her hands. _Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!_ How could this have happened? Son of a fucking bitch, she’s failed again. Ash's accusatory stare flashes before her mind again, warning her that Cerberus isn't the way to go. "I'm sorry, Ash, I'm so sorry," she screams to no one in particular as the ground hits her knees. Chakwas had meant so much to Ash, a second mother to them both during the war against Saren.

 

Morinth rests a hand on her shoulder. “We can get them back, Shepard.”

 

Jacob nods, leaning against the wall. “We can do this. Let’s bring the fight to them.”

 

Shepard nods. “Right. Gear up.”

 

She has to do this. She can't fail. She has to save them. For Ashley.

 

~*~*~

 

Their screams still echo in her brain. Not a single survivor. She should have sent someone back with them. Someone to keep them safe. Mordin, Jacob, anyone. So many deaths tear at her mind as she lies there, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes. She can see them, all of them, dead.

 

And her squad. They had called it a suicide mission. But of course she's one of the few  to survive. Just her and Morinth and Joker, the sole survivors of a failed mission. At least the Collectors are gone. Cerberus has the data it wants. The Illusive Man is happy.

 

Her heart breaks as the screams of her squad echo on repeat in her brain. Morinth opens the door, a slip of a dress barely covering her full breasts. “Are you ready, Shepard?” she purrs, voice low.

 

Shepard wipes the tears from her eyes, a soft smile finally appearing on her face. “Yes. God, yes.” As Morinth’s mouth roams kisses across her body, she arches her back in pleasure. “Yes,” she moans.

 

“Embrace eternity,” Morinth whispers.

 

As darkness covers her vision, she can feel her life slipping blissfully away.

 

_Kathryn runs her fingers through her now shoulder length hair. It's uneven and choppy, but the tangles are gone. She pulls it back into a high ponytail, scowling at the bruises still covering her flesh. She leaves the hotel, pizza box lying on the ground with a half-eaten pizza still inside. She walks the streets, not really sure where to go, or what to do with her life now._

  
_She sees a dark gray building, the words "Alliance" written on the front. Her mind races as she considers the potential. The Reds won't be able to touch her there, not if she has the protection of the military. And it might get her the fuck off this rock, too. Anything to escape these memories._


	2. Chapter 2

The day Kathryn Shepard died didn't feel like a tragedy to her. It had been a sweet release, held in her lover's arms as she breathed her last breath. It hadn't been painful or sad. Just a final moment of ecstasy and then it was over.

 

She wakes up on a cold metal operating table, eyelids blinking against the harsh light of the overhead lamps. "Where am I?" she grumbles, throat sore. She struggles to regain her memories. The last thing she remembers... the Collector base? Fighting a large, humanoid Reaper, Morinth by her side. The air reeking of the death of her crew,

 

A bespectacled woman stares down at her, expression cold. "You're awake. Good. The Illusive Man will see you now."

 

She pulls over a vid screen, and Shepard frowns. "I, what happened? Did we defeat the Collectors?"

 

"They were defeated, yes," is the sharp reply.

 

Shepard runs a hand through her long hair, taking a deep breath before frowning again. The breath feels strange, her lungs odd. She quickly forgets the off sensation as the Illusive Man comes into view, his face mostly obscured by cigar smoke, thick and grey. "Shepard. You're awake, good. You should be pleased to learn your Alliance will soon no longer be denying the Reaper threat."

 

Shepard smiles, rolling her shoulders to release the tension. "Good. I take it the information I sent you got through to them?" In the back of her mind, she wonders what happened to Morinth. If she survived. If she's still willing to help Shepard finally end her long life of suffering.

 

The Illusive Man shakes his head. "No, they ignored that, of course."

 

Her smile slips, wilting around edges. "Then what ..."

 

"The Reapers will hit Earth soon."

 

Her heart plummets, landing somewhere in the pit of her stomach as nausea hits. "No," she whispers, pulse in her throat.

 

The Illusive Man leans forward. "We don't have time for this, Shepard. We need to control the Reapers before they control us."

 

Kathryn nods her head in agreement. "Of course. What do I need to do?" she asks, ready for orders.

 

~*~*~

  


She can hear Ash talking with the Illusive Man nearby as she uploads the data he needs into her omni tool. She clenches her fist, heart racing wildly. To be so close to her former best friend, so close and yet unable to reach out to her. It tears at her and she tries desperately to ignore it.

 

"You're the Illusive Man, aren't you?" Ash says, her voice reaching Shepard's ears. She wishes she could greet her, but Ashley will never agree to their plan.

 

She continues uploading the Prothean data into her omni tool, praying to whatever God Ash believed in she will have enough time. "Williams. Fascinating race, the protheans. They left all this for us to discover. But we squandered it. Your Alliance has known about the archive for more than thirty years-"

 

"You're lying," Ash interrupts, and Shepard can hear the anger and denial in her voice. "If the Alliance knew about this, they would have used it. They're not foolish."

 

The Illusive Man chuckles, the sound sending shivers down Shepard's spine. She wonders if he's telling the truth or if it's just a lie meant to distract Ash while she gathers the data he needs. She looks down at the console and can see someone else is trying to hack in. She frowns, fingers moving deftly across the screen as she tries to out maneuver them. Electronics had never been her strong point. She was just a dumb kid from the streets turned grunt and forced into the role of a hero. But somehow, her fingers seemed to know what to do, her brain processing information quicker than she remembers it doing.

 

She doesn't have time to wonder about it as she finishes downloading the data. "What do you want?" Ash asks, and Shepard can hear a hint of weariness in her tone.

 

The information is fully downloaded. She did it, she actually did it. She grins as she begins deleting the data from the main matrix, erasing it before Ash's team can take it. "What do you want?" Ash asks with a  grunt, voice low. Shepard can see her in her mind’s eye, long brown hair swept into a neat bun, dark eyes narrowed and upper lip curled in disgust.

 

"What I've always wanted. The data in these artifacts holds the solution to the reaper threat." The Illusive Man's voice is mechanical and holds a hint of desperation that scares her.

 

"Your solution is bullshit. Your people are monsters."

 

Shepard frowns. Monsters? She isn't a monster, is she? What on earth is Ash talking about?

 

"Hardly," the Illusive Man scoffs, "they're being improved."

 

Improved? She's ... improved? Her hands begin to shake as she continues erasing the data, fear making her panic. Had he done something to her?

 

"That's what separates us, Williams. Where you see a means to destroy, I see a way to control. To dominate and harness the reapers power. Imagine how strong humanity would be, if we controlled them."

 

Ash growls low in her throat. "That's enough. Earth is in shambles and you want to talk about controlling these monsters? They're machines. Bent on destroying us. We _will_ destroy them first."

 

"You've always been short sighted, hasty. This isn't your fight, Williams. It never was. You're not Shepard. You can't defeat the reapers, even if you had the prothean data."

 

"The data, it isn't here!" Shepard hears a voice say, one she doesn't recognize.

 

"What? How? Dammit," Ash says, a loud crack following her words, as if she's slammed her fist against something.

 

"The odds aren't in your favor. They never were." The Illusive Man's voice carries hint a amusement in it, as if he knows something nobody else does.

 

"Go to hell," Ash says, and her anger is palpable.

 

The Illusive Man chuckles. "Don't interfere with my plan, Williams. I won't warn you again. Goodbye, Williams."

 

"Hey, you, stop," a voice says behind her. She pauses, a slow grin spreading her lips. She turns, knocking the grunt back with a clean swipe of her boot before smashing the control console with her fist. The man has more muscle than she has, but she moves on autopilot as she lands one blow after another. She ends up behind him, one hand placed on each side of his neck. She's about to twist, snap his neck and end the fight, when a voice calls out to her.

 

"Skipper?" Ash says, voice barely above a whisper. "But, you died ..."

 

Kathryn pauses again. She had died? When? "I feel alive to me," she replies and the grunt twists out of her grasp, brown eyes wide with fear and surprise.

 

"This is Commander Shepard, Lola? But, didn't the asari-"

 

"Shut up, James., " Ash replies, and Shepard can see her pulse fluttering madly in her throat, like a trapped butterfly waiting to escape.

 

Shepard forces a small grin. "It was nice seeing you again, old friend. Remember our warning," she says before turning and running, taking off in the direction of her space shuttle.

 

She can hear the grunt, the one called James, asking if they should capture her but by the time Ash answers, she's already too far away. Running has always been her strong suit.

 

She's used to running. But even when she reaches her shuttle, something feels off. Her lungs aren't gasping for breath, her legs aren't screaming in pain.

 

Instead, she feels ... Great. She frowns a little as she flies the shuttle off planet, uncertainty and confusion clouding her brain.

 

~*~*~

 

The Illusive Man gives her a small, rare, smile. She nods back, still feeling confused. "Shepard. You did well. Better than I expected, in fact."

 

A man enters behind him, long black hair in a ponytail and a mask covering most of his face. "You should have killed them before leaving," he says, voice so cold it sends a shiver down Shepard's spine.

 

The Illusive Man flicks the ashes off his cigar. "No, she risked being captured or killed that way." He looks at Shepard, eyes mechanical and a strange swirling blue. "You did well, Shepard."

 

"Thank you.” She rolls her neck with a grunt, meeting his gaze head on. "What must I do next?" Her response feels odd to her, automatic and not thought through.

 

The other man snorts. "Tuchanka."

  


~*~*~

  


Shepard waits in the tunnels, cloaked, with her omni blade ready. Her heart thunders in her chest, roaring loudly in her ears. The rhythm is off, or rather it isn't. It’s perfectly timed, and perfectly loud.

 

She's still surprised Ash, of all people, is helping to cure the genophage. Desperate times, perhaps. Or maybe Ash has changed, grown, since their time together on the Normandy. She allows herself a small smile as she remembers them fighting side by side, struggling to defeat Saren in time.

 

She lost so many people that year. Kaidan. Liara. _Wrex_. Their names are forever etched on her heart, a necessary sacrifice still tearing at her dreams. She freezes as she hears the sound of footsteps down the narrow corridor. She covers her mouth with a small mask before releasing a grenade into their path.

 

"Down, take cover!" Ash yells, but it's too late. The poison seeps its way into their lungs and they fall, clutching for air. Shepard walks coolly over to Ash's body and bends down, pressing two fingers to her throat. She breathes a sigh of relief as she feels a steady pulse.

 

She looks at the krogan. She takes a step forward, then pauses, hesitating. _Now. Obey. Kill,_ a voice whispers in  her brain and she moves swiftly, running her omni blade through the female krogan's throat. As her blood stains the floor, Shepard turns and runs. Kai Leng is setting off a bomb. She needs to hurry and get off the planet before it's too late.

 

 _Ash_ . She hesitates again. Ash is alone, unconscious, defenseless. She turns, ready to go back and rescue her friend. _Obey. Run. Obey now!_ She stands there, rocking back and forth as she fights with the voice in her head. "No!" she screams, running toward Ash. She picks the soldier's body up in her arms, ignoring the turian and  asari companions she had been travelling with. She runs back toward her shuttle, legs pumping at twice the normal speed as she clutches her friend's body. "I can't let you die, not you too, not after everything," Shepard whispers, knowing Ash can't hear her.

  


~*~*~

  


She flies the shuttle to a nearby planet as Ash sits numbly beside her. "I can't believe you, Skipper." Ash shakes her head, eyes wide and unseeing. "You were the one who convinced me not all aliens were the same, to trust them. To work with them."

 

Shepard grunts, looking at Ash out of the corner of her eye. "I was wrong," is her short reply.

 

"No, I don't think you were," Ash says, voice soft. " _And I would that my tongue could utter the thoughts that arise in me._ "

 

"Tennyson? You always were one for poetry, when you couldn't figure out what to say." Shepard shakes her head ruefully. "Never did understand that shit myself."

 

Ash laughs, but it's a bitter sound instead of the happy one Shepard remembers. "You've changed, Skipper. And not for the better."

 

She frowns as she lands the shuttle. "Here. You can call for an Alliance ship to pick you up from here," she replies, staring at the console in front of her.

 

"You're not taking me back to Cerberus? Isn't that why you took me?"

 

Shepard lets out a short bark of a laugh, hollow and empty. "No. I was supposed to leave you to die when the bomb went off. Now get out before I change my mind, Williams."

 

Ash stands, a bewildered look on her face. She pauses by the shuttle doors. " _Flow down cold rivulet, to the sea. Thy tribute wave deliver. No more by thee steps shall be, for ever and for ever_." She whispers the words so soft, Shepard can barely hear them. After she leaves, the cold swish of the shuttle doors seem to echo.

 

Shepard takes off, the shuttle rising high above the planet. "Goodbye, Ash," she whispers back.

 

~*~*~

 

Grissom Academy's halls are cold and sterile. Blood coats the walls like morbid paint hastily brushed on in unsettling splatter patterns. Kai Leng glances at her, a disgusted smirk on his face. "We have most of the kids on board the shuttle. Your _friend_ has the last of them.'

 

Shepard turns her head to look at him, brows puckered together. "Friend? Ash is here?"

 

Kai Leng shakes his head. "Don't go soft, Shepard. Follow your commands."

 

She snaps her head to look straight ahead. "Yes, of course," she replies.

 

She runs quickly to keep up with Kai Leng's pace as they reach the room where Ash stands with the last of the kids.

 

"Skipper," she says, frowning. "Why are you doing this?"

 

Kai Leng laughs, long and cold. "She's not your skipper anymore, bitch," he growls, and his tone makes Shepard angry.

 

"Don't talk to her like that," she mutters, struggling to get the words out. "Let's get what we came for and leave." She turns to look at Ash, eyes pleading. "Please, don't make us kill you to get them."

 

Ash brings her assault rifle to point directly at her. "I don't want to fight you, Skipper. But I can't let you take these kids."

 

Kai Leng scoffs. "As if you have a choice."

  


~*~*~

 

Kai Leng paces, fists clenched tightly as his biotics glow a bright blue. "You fucking bitch! You stupid fucking bitch," he shouts, turning to slam his fist into the wall, denting the metal surface. "Why didn't you let me kill her?"

 

Shepard stands stock still, not even blinking, as she tries to figure out the answer to his question. Why had she stopped him? Looking back now, she can barely remember her body moving to block Kai Leng's killing blow, saving Ash's life once again. "We have what we came for. Why did she need to die?" she replies instead, answering his question with one of her own.

 

"Because she's a fucking pain in the ass, Shepard."

 

"But she's my friend."

 

Kai Leng narrows his eyes at her. "You have no friends."

  


~*~*~

  


She uses her biotics to lift the volus, Korlack, high in  the air. She bounces him against the ceiling, delighting in the way he screams and begs for his life. He promises he won't betray Cerberus again, cries and pleads as she continues to play.

 

Kai Leng rolls his eyes. "Why you couldn't have exhibited this behaviour at Grissom?" He sighs, shaking his head. "Kill the little beast and be done with it, Shepard. I think the Illusive Man needs to... have you checked out by one of our doctors."

 

She shrugs, bringing the Volus down with a resounding crack as his body meets the floor. "Fine. He's dead. I should go," she says, and her voice sounds strange, even to her. An odd little stutter, words that have no place here. "I should ... go?" she repeats, confused. She's said those words before, a long time ago...

 

The world grows dark as Kai Leng presses the back of her neck, fading from view in a flash.

 

~*~*~

 

She stares down at the Prothean. She still can't believe they managed to find one, alive. It opens its eyes, blinking rapidly as it takes in its surroundings. "Why am I strapped to a table?" it asks.

 

She stuffs a gag in its mouth, not wanting to hear it speak. It's easier if it doesn't have a voice, a name, a life. But she can still hear it scream as the scientists begin their experiments, loud and long and full of pain. She's not sure how many days pass like this, the prothean screaming as experiments tear its body apart.

 

Finally, the scientists leave to take a lunch break and they're alone. She stares down at it, tilting her head as it stares back at her. She reaches down, grabbing the gag. "Please, free me," he says, voice strained and broken.

 

She shakes her head. She can't. They can never escape here. The prothean makes a sound that sounds like a sob. "Then end it," he whispers, voice hoarse from screaming.

 

She frowns, brushing a strand of hair from her face. She slowly reaches her hand up, omni blade in hand. "I can do that," she replies, voice emotionless as she run she blade across his throat.

 

~*~*~

 

"You shouldn't have done that, Shepard," the Illusive Man says, voice dangerous and low.

 

She flinches. "I had to," she replies.

 

This gives him pause. "Why?" he asks, curiosity clearly taking over.

 

She frowns, lips tugging down as she thinks. "I don't know." And that is an answer, in and of itself.

 

~*~*~

 

She watches from space as the Alliance Communication hub is destroyed. Her thoughts are scattered as she tries to remember why she's here, why they're doing this.

 

 _Obey. You must obey_ , a voice whispers like a snake in her brain. She turns her head away from Ontarom. That's right. She's here to obey the Illusive Man. To follow his plan.

 

~*~*~

 

"Skipper, don't do this," Ash warns, holding her assault rifle steady in her grasp.

 

Shepard shakes her head. "It's already done," she replies, sliding her blade across the last of the council member's throat. "You've failed."

 

Ash wavers a moment, hesitation clear in her eyes. "Dammit, Skipper," she whispers before firing a round of bullets into her.

 

She brings up her shields just in time, but a few bullets manage to get through. She doesn't feel the pain as she limps away, running with all of her might. She doesn't have time to wonder why there isn't any blood leaking from her wounds, her only thought is of escape. _Kill her,_ the voice whispers again but she ignores it, too, like she ignores the strange way she's limping. She can't, despite the urge she has to turn and kill, to destroy, she's _can't_. She can still see Ash's face, smiling and cheerful, as they laugh over drinks on the Citadel.

 

Try as she might, killing Ash is the one thing she can't do. It’s the order she cannot obey.

  


~*~*~

  


Shepard sits in her room, empty aside from a single bed with a worn blanket. She looks down at her omnitool, the words splayed across the screen making her head spin. It's a letter, from Miranda. A letter from a ghost. The words are jumbled, like a virus has scrambled the message.

 

_If you're reading this.... I’m…. dead... I programmed you... to be... same... memories lost... but one...._

 

Shepard shakes her head, confusion clawing at her mind as she screams in frustration. Slowly, she gets to her feet, numbly walking to her shuttle. The movements are automatic as she flies down to the planet of Benning. When she lands, she can see a group of Alliance personnel fighting off some Cerberus agents. With a low grin, she enters the battle.

 

She fires her gun at anything that moves, slaughtering them all. A cold laugh bubbles up from her throat at she drops her gun, switching to her biotics to tear the soldiers apart. Their dying screams empower her as she continues her onslaught, laughing the entire time.

 

One soldier looks up at her, a plea in his eyes. "Please, Commander," he whispers, the words dying as she lifts him from the ground.

 

She smiles up at him, tilting her head. She grabs each arm with her biotics and pulls, ripping him in half.

 

"Shepard, that's enough," a voice says from behind.

 

She turns, dropping the dead soldier to the ground with a thud, intestines spewing everywhere. "Nothing is enough," she replies, looking Kai Leng in the eyes.

 

He shakes his head. "I think it's time for a reboot," he mutters, lunging toward her.

  


~*~*~

 

Shepard stares at Kai Leng as they touch down on Omega. "What're we doing here? Aria won't work for Cerberus. I remember her."

 

Kai Leng frowns. "You do? Well, it doesn't matter. Aria's already been ... displaced. We're just here to make sure she stays that way." He shoots a glance her way, eyes narrowing. "Don't choke, Shepard. The Illusive Man is losing his patience with you, and so am I."

 

With a brisk turn, he starts walking away, shaking hands with a dark skinned man in a white uniform. "General Petrovsky. Is everything going according to plan?" he asks, a ready smirk on his face that Shepard desperately wants to wipe off with her fist.

 

The man shakes his head. "No, Aria has infiltrated the tunnels with a Batarian. We have to find them, and stop them."

 

Kai Leng nods. "You ready, Shepard?"

 

Shepard frowns. "Tunnels?" she asks, tilting her head.

 

Kai Leng's eye twitched slightly at her question. "Yeah. Aria had some secret tunnels below Omega."

 

"Then how'd you find out about them?"

 

He grins, and it's cold and merciless. "We tortured her female turian friend to find out."

  


~*~*~

 

The tunnels are hot and Shepard can see sweat trickling down Kai Leng's face. She frowns, swiping a hand across the back of her neck. No sweat? Why? She doesn't have time to think as she jogs to keep up with Kai Leng. Her memory feels foggy, like there’s a barrier between her and them and if she just tries a little harder, she’d remember something important. Something vital.

 

"Shepard?" a voice says, and Kathryn looks up and meets Aria's eyes. "What the fuck are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead."

 

She frowns, brows furrowing together. This is the second time someone's told her that. She hadn't died again, had she? "I'm alive, Aria," she mutters, wondering the truth of her own words for the first time. “But you won’t be for long.”

  


~*~*~

  


She stares at Ash, weapon drawn once again. "Skipper, this is bigger than Cerberus can handle. Please, don't fight me on this."

 

She brings her gun down  to her side, nodding. "Just you and me, to the bottom of the ocean? Together, like before?" She asks, voice small and hopeful.

 

Ash nods, frowning. "For today, at least, Skipper."

 

~*~*~

 

A great beast rises before them, rising from the depths of a dark ocean with menacing alien eyes. It's body is so large, Shepard wants to run away in fear, identical to a Reaper but somehow different, smaller.

 

 _"Below the thunders of the upper deep; far, far beneath the abysmal sea, his ancient, dreamless, uninvaded sleep. The Kraken sleepeth; faintest sunlights flee_ ," Ash whispers in her machine next to her. Her voice holds awe and more than a hint of fear, and Shepard's certain if she speaks, her voice will sound much the same.

 

"You have come too far. This is not your domain; you have breached the darkness."

 

Shepard furrows her brow as pain assaults her entire body. "What the hell are you? Why did you kill a Reaper?" she yells, demanding to have some form of answers even as pain tears at her body like a hundred needles made of fire.

 

The creature rumbles a response, voice deep and terrifying. "They are the enemy. One that seeks our extermination."

 

"Enemy? Then, what are you?" Ash asks, voice straining against the pain.

 

"Something more."

 

The pain overwhelms Shepard as she sits inside the great humanoid machine. She can barely hear the creature speaking with Ash, jumbled words that barely make it through the haze of pain.

 

"Your mind belongs to me." Garbled sentences breaking off into fragments. "Accept this."

 

"You have to help us fight."

 

"There is no war. Only harvest."

 

"I won't accept that," Ash growls, voice firm with determination. "We will fight this."

 

"None have possessed the strength in past cycles. Your own species could be destroyed with a single thought. You are no different." More pain assaults Shepard's body as strange memories flash before her mind. She's staring down at her own corpse, watching as they cover her face with a black cloth. A look of ecstasy has curved her lips into a smile, one that holds on even in death. "I must understand why," the creature rumbles, through Shepard's long since lost track of the conversation. Her memories are flooding her brain and it's too much, much too much, pain in both her body and her mind, making it difficult to breathe.

 

"You created the Reapers, this is your damn fault. Help us fight them," Ash demands, and a trickle of pride seeps through Shepard's pain at the determination in her friend's voice.

 

"We watch. We study. And we remain in the shadows."

 

More scattered fragments make their way through as Shepard gasps for breath, trying to stay alive, to understand what Ash is hearing.

 

"The cycle will continue."

 

And suddenly she's on the surface of the planet again, falling to her knees as she leaves the underwater machine. She sees Ash nearby, crawling for her team, a twisted creature about to destroy her. "No," Shepard screams, throwing up her biotics to shield her friend.

 

But it's unnecessary. The creature turns at the last second, attacking one of its own instead. Shepard watches as the one called James and a nameless turian carry Ashley away, barely making it to the shuttle. She watches with tears in her eyes as Ash glances back at her, and is surprised to see she’s crying, too.

 

~*~*~

  


Shepard sits on her bed, staring down at her own trembling hands. Y _ou're supposed to be dead._ So many times she's heard those words, over and over they repeat in her mind. A sad truth she can't understand. She clenches her fists, trying to remember, trying to make sense of the scattered memories and dreams. She stretches out her arm, flexing her hand. Slowly, she grabs a knife from her belt, the handle cold against her palm as she grabs it. She brings it across her palm, tearing at the flesh.

 

She isn't even surprised how it doesn't hurt. No blood pours like red wine from her wound. Cybernetic wires spark up at her. "What the fuck am I?" she wonders aloud. Has she died, and they rebuilt her again? How much of her is machine and how much of her is still human?

 

She looks away from her hand in disgust. She glances over to her desk, empty and bare. No funny figurines or picture of Ashley this time. Nothing but a plain desk, made of cold steel and wires.

 

Just like her.

 

~*~*~

  


Once again she stares down the barrel of a gun, meeting Ash's eyes. This time, Kai Leng stands at her side, and she knows he won't hesitate to kill Ash. "You should go," Shepard whispers.

 

Ash shakes her head, hair tied in a familiar bun. The same woman as she's always been, but changed for the better at the same time.

 

Shepard frowns, anger making her hands shake. Or is it fear?  "You'll die if you stay."

 

Kai Leng chuckles coldly beside her but doesn't speak, for once. Ash shifts slightly, James and that turian at her side. "Our mission is clear, Skipper. Sanctum can't remain standing."

 

Shepard shrugs. "Then you will die, and everything you're working for will be for nothing." And with those words, Shepard realizes she's not changed at all. She's the same ruthless killer she's always been, ever since she let Regan die for saving her.

 

James glares at her, not taking his eyes off her as he speaks to Ash. "Come on, Lola, babe. We'll come back to fight another day," he says, and the intimacy in his tone shocks Shepard to the core. Has Ashley managed to find love amidst this brutal, chaotic war?

 

Ash growls low in her throat, but nods. "You're going to let us go?"

 

Shepard turns swiftly, bringing the butt of her gun to connect with Kai Leng's mouth before she twists his neck, snapping it in one fluid motion. "Go. Before more drones come. Hurry."

 

As Ash and her team leave, Shepard stares down at Kai Leng's body, his eyes still wide open with shock. One more sacrifice.

 

But this one she doesn't regret.

 

~*~*~

 

She stares at the Illusive Man, his eyes wide and angry as spittle flies from his lips. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Shepard? You just killed my best operative."

 

She smirks, leaning back against the wall, feeling more like herself than she has in months. "I thought I was your best operative?"

 

"With the way you've been acting, I'm beginning to think you are nothing more than a mistake."

 

_"You're just a mistake," her mother snarls down at her before striking her. Her perfect nails trail hot fire across her cheek as blood drips down. "I never should have fuckin' had you."_

 

Shepard pushes back from the wall, eyes narrowed. "I am not a mistake," she growls, voice low as she advances on the Illusive Man.

 

He glares back, mechanical eyes blazing. "Stand down Shepard," he says, and she freezes where she stands, unable to move.

 

Her eyes bulge as she stares at him. "What the fuck? What the fuck are you doing?" She screams the words at him, anger and fear running hot through her body. "You fucking son of a bitch, release me!" She struggles against invisible bonds, unable to move.

 

The Illusive Man takes a long drag from his cigar, the sickly sweet smell clogging her nostrils. "Not until you've calmed down, Shepard." He watches her, taking another drag before continuing. "For now, I think you'll watch your friend as my other operative stops her from gaining our data on Sanctuary. Don't worry, Shepard. Eva won't kill Williams. Yet."

 

~*~*~  

 

A cold darkness wraps itself around her. She can hear voices whispering above her but can't open her eyes to see. "Programing is faulty, can it be adjusted? The Illusive Man says she needs to be ready to stop Williams on earth. The crucible is our last chance to control the Reapers."

 

There's a soft shuffling sound before another voice joins in. "The damn thing has to be ready. Williams will be here soon."                                               

 

A soft click and she opens her eyes, blinking against the brightness of the overhead lights. "Shepard, The Illusive Man needs you. Are you ready?"

 

Beyond her control, she nods her head. "I am ready."

  


~*~*~                                                                                                                                                                   

 

                                                                                                                                                                       

 

                                                                                                                                                                      

 

Anderson is leaning over the  console. Electricity crackles in the air and a soft humming tickles along Shepard's skin. Ash walks up behind him, limping on a wounded leg, alone. "Anderson?" she asks, shock colouring her voice.

 

'Williams ... I can't … ."

 

The Illusive Man walks up behind Ash, and Shepard follows obediently. "I underestimated you, Williams."

 

Ash turns her head, eyes narrowed. "What have ... you …," she mutters, and Shepard sucks in a sharp breath at the bruises covering her face.

 

"I warned you that control is the means to survival- control of the reapers, and of you if necessary."

 

Anderson grunts, struggling against invisible chains. "They're controlling you both," he grits out.

 

Shepard frowns. Is that what she is?  An easily controlled pawn? "You're wrong, Anderson," Shepard whispers.

 

The Illusive Man paces, face a twisted mess of scars and burns, eyes glowing blue. "I took what I wanted from them! Made it my own!"

 

Ash shakes her head, obviously struggling against something. She ignores the Illusive Man, turning her gaze to Shepard. "You're not who you think you are, Skipper. Commander Shepard ... died a year ago. Committed suicide. The Illusive Man cloned her when he resurrected her, and placed ... a control ... chip in the clone's brain. That clone is you."

 

Shepard shakes her head back and froth, quick snaps as she stares frantically at Ash. "No! I'm me, I know who I am! I have ... memories ... so many ..."

 

Anderson reaches a hand toward her, face pained. "They don't belong to you. They belonged to the real Commander Shepard. A woman named  Miranda Lawson placed them in you in the hopes that you might be like her, that you might resist the Illusive Man. Her only act of defiance before she died on the Collector Base."

 

The Illusive Man makes a strange motion and Anderson cries out in pain, dropping to his knees as a trickle of blood escapes his lips. "Ignore them Shepard, they're trying to confuse you." He turns to Ash, a snarl on his face. "When humanity discovered the mass relays, when we discovered there was more to the galaxy than we imagined, there were some who thought the relays should be destroyed. They were scared of what we'd find. Terrified of what we might let in.  But look at what humanity has achieved; since that discovery we’ve advanced more than the past ten thousand years combined. And the reapers will do the same for us again- a thousand fold, but... only if we can harness their ability."

 

Ashley shakes her head, face twisted in pain. "He built you using Shepard's DNA and Reaper tech," she says, meeting Shepard's eyes. Her expression is one of pity as she stares at her. _"Who broke your fair companionship, and spread his mantle dark and cold, and wrapt thee formless in the fold, and dull'd the murmur on thy lip?"_

 

Shepard grips her hair in her hands and lets out a ragged scream. "No, I... I am ME!"

 

Anderson looks at her, tears and blood mingling on his face. "We destroy them, or they destroy us. The real Commander Shepard would know this."

 

"And waste this opportunity? Never," the Illusive Man says, voice filled with certainty. "If we can control it, why shouldn't it be ours? Look at what I've done already," he continues, looking over at Shepard.

 

Shepard stares back at him, the truth slamming into her. "We're not ready," she whispers, eyes wide.

 

"No, this is the way humanity must evolve. You're proof of that. Look at the power they wield! Look at what they can do!"

 

Ashley screams as her body trembles, falling to the ground. Shepard shakes her head. "I see what they did to you. What they made you do to me."

The Illusive Man throws his hands up in frustration. "This isn't about me or you. It's about things so much bigger than all of us.”

 

"He's wrong, don't listen to him, Skipper!" Shepard turns to look at Ashley, and her heart twists in pain.

 

"And who will you listen to Shepard? A soldier stuck in her ways, only able to see life down the barrel of a gun? What if she's wrong? What if controlling the reapers _is_ the answer?"

 

Shepard nods her head, "I understand," she whispers, and the Illusive Man smiles as she joins him at his side. "And I'm sorry." She wraps her arms around him in a tight hug, gripping him with inhuman strength. Because she isn't Commander Shepard. She's just an expensive knock off with memories that don't belong to her. She closes her eyes, pain twisting inside her like a bitter knife. "You sacrifice too much. Shepard will not have died in vain." Her words are the key to unlocking a hidden programming, one she’s only realized is there seconds before uttering them. She’s certain Miranda would be pleased, that she’s figured it out in time.

 

"What? What are you doing, Shepard?"

 

She can hear the ticking of a bomb in her brain, one that had been implanted for this very purpose. She knows now why Miranda had created her the way she had. To stop this from happening. She's just a sacrificial cog in someone else's plan. Seconds before the explosion happens, she wonders if Ash will forgive her for everything she's done, using the image of Commander Shepard, killing innocent lives in the name of the greater good. As the bomb goes off, a carefully planned explosion, she prays to whatever god there is she'll find peace in the afterlife.

 

“I’m not Shepard.”

~*~*~

 

Ashley stares down at the broken pieces of the clone, blood and wires splattered everywhere. Her hands tremble as her body shakes with pain. Tears flow down her cheeks, mixing with the blood and dirt. She helps Anderson to his feet, heart thundering beneath her breath. She wonders how much of Shepard was really inside the clone, if she felt the same things her Skipper had felt.

 

"Williams? We haven't much time," Anderson says, voice ragged.

 

She nods, knowing he's right. "Do you think she felt any pain?"

 

He flinches, leaning on her for support. "Who knows? Can clones feel pain? All we know is it had all of Shepard's memories and was programmed to stop The Illusive Man at any cost."

 

She lets out a sigh as they turn away from the carnage, heading back to the console. _"The stream will cease to flow; the wind will cease to blow. The clouds will cease to fleet; the heart will cease to beat- for all things must die,"_ she whispers, a final farewell to both Shepards.

 


End file.
